For years, I had a pattern of showing up as the fixer in my relationships.

I would clean, cook, do the laundry, overextend, and do whatever it took to keep things together. Sound familiar?

Looking back, I realize that many of the partners I dated during that time were more like projects than partners. I convinced myself that if I could just fix, help, or do enough, then I’d be loved, valued and more importantly, I would be safe from being abandoned.

But here’s the truth: constantly being the fixer wasn’t about them-it was about me. It was about my own need to feel secure, especially when I was terrified of being abandoned or not being enough. Slipping into the role of the fixer was my way of feeling safe.

Why Do We Play Roles in Relationships?

The roles we play in relationships aren’t random. They’re not flaws or signs of weakness-they’re coping mechanisms. Whether it’s being the fixer, caretaker, perfectionist, or avoidant, these roles develop as safety strategies when relationships feel uncertain or shaky. Maybe growing up, you learned that being helpful or taking care of others made you feel valued. Or maybe you found that pulling away and avoiding conflict protected you from getting hurt.

These patterns become deeply ingrained, and we start to believe that playing these roles is the only way to secure love, acceptance, or stability. When faced with potential conflict or the fear of losing someone, these roles become almost automatic.

It’s like our brains think, “If I just do enough, give enough, or fix enough, I’ll be safe. They won’t leave me.”

It All Comes Back to Safety

At the heart of it all, these roles are rooted in our desire for emotional safety. Somewhere along the way, our inner child learned that being loved meant being useful, perfect, or emotionally detached. Those roles helped us cope back then, but they’re not serving us now.

One of the most powerful shifts you can make is to work with your inner child and let them know:

“You’re safe now. You are worthy and valuable just as you are.”

When you let go of the belief that you have to earn love by overfunctioning or fixing others, you force yourself to see your inherent value outside of what you can do for someone else. You’re no longer attracting partners who need to be saved or fixed because you’re no longer identifying as the person who has to do the saving.

How Do You Know You’re Stuck in a Role?

• You often feel like you’re giving more than you’re receiving.
• You notice yourself feeling anxious when you’re not actively helping or fixing.
• You feel exhausted from holding everything together.
• You worry that if you stop overfunctioning, the relationship will fall apart.
• You tend to attract people who lean on you without offering much in return.

Breaking Free from the Role Cycle

1. Acknowledge Your Inner Child’s Fear:

When you notice yourself slipping into a familiar role, pause and gently

check in with yourself. Consider these questions:

• If I didn’t try to fix, please, or overfunction, what uncomfortable feelings might I have to face?
• What would it feel like to trust that I am worthy, even if I’m not constantly giving or doing?
• Is there a younger version of me that learned this role as a way to feel safe? What would I say to that part of me now?

When you break free from these roles, you stop attracting people who expect you to do the emotional heavy lifting. You start to draw in partners who value you for your presence, not just your efforts. This shift happens because you’re no longer showing up as the person who has to rescue or fix. You’re simply being yourself and that’s enough.

You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Breaking these patterns is challenging, but it’s also incredibly freeing. You deserve relationships where you feel seen and valued for who you are not just what you can do for others. In my coaching practice, I help clients unpack these patterns, reconnect with their inner child, and build relationships rooted in authenticity and mutual respect. You’re allowed to show up as your whole, imperfect, beautiful self and you’re worthy of love without having to perform or prove it.